In Art Of Coaching Podcast

Sometimes this podcast is a place to learn tactics and strategies and other times it’s a place to share hard, honest truths.

Recently, a conversation with a friend about the fleeting nature of fatherhood sparked an examination of my priorities and time. As a result I wrote a deeply personal piece about a few things I’ve reflected upon and perhaps even (re)learned over the past year. Some of this I’ve spoken about before- yet it still resonates, now more than ever.

On today’s episode I’ll expand on those initial thoughts and what led to writing my recent newsletter. If you haven’t read the original piece and want to, make sure you’re subscribed by clicking here. I’m not a big email guy so I promise I won’t blow up your inbox- I only send a couple a month and they are typically raw and honest like this.

Speaking of honest- can I ask for a favor? We rely on your feedback and suggestions to make this show better and we would LOVE if you would share that with us in the form of a review on iTunes. Let’s do this: if you leave a rating we’ll enter you in a random drawing to win either a free course or 1-on-1 communication training call with me. Just make sure you use your real name or social media handle so we can contact you!

If you’re just looking for the cliffnotes version of this episode, here are the lessons I share:

  1. The Stories You Tell Yourself Will Absolutely Steer Your Life 
  2. It’s Your Responsibility to Make It Stick 
  3. Winners Suffer Longer.
  4. The Answer Is Always “No” If You Don’t Ask 
  5. Clear Goals Are NOT The Only Way to Get What You Want

But if you like context and want to hear more honest reflections like this, listen to the full episode  AND check out our new All-Access Channel. We’ve partnered with Marco Polo to bring you an exclusive, video first platform that’s NOTHING like social media. No ads, no distractions, no messed up chronological timeline just real people sharing real thoughts and learning from each other.


Brett Bartholomew  0:01  

Because the fact is that leadership like life has no script. And to a point, we also believe that greatness can’t always be planned. I’ve long said, and maybe this is contentious as well. But society has a bit of an obsession. When it comes to the process of setting objectives. Everything has to be measured and achieved, or we must be failures in life. But consider for a moment how many tremendous surprises you’ve had in your life, things that literally floored you made you laugh, cry, or start believing in what you’re doing again. Were all those moments planned?


Did you know exactly when your child was going to take their first steps when your fiance was going to propose, or when you’d get the acceptance letter for an internship, or a much needed phone call from a friend? Likely not. And that same sense of surprise is what led to today’s show.


Welcome to the Art of coaching podcast, a show aimed at getting to the core of what it takes to change attitudes, behaviors and outcomes in the weight room, boardroom classroom, and everywhere in between. I’m your host, Brett Bartholomew, I’m a performance coach, keynote speaker and the author of the book conscious coaching. But most importantly, I’m a lifelong student interested in all aspects of human behavior and communication. I want to thank you for joining me. And now let’s dive into today’s episode.


Hey, it’s Brett here, and I want to come clean about something I owe this to you. A while back, I recorded an episode called how to ask for help. It was episode 151. In case you missed it, but the truth is, I’m often miserable at asking for help myself. So I feel the fact that I created a show that provided tips about something I still struggle with it was almost a disingenuous, although well meaning. But the truth is, I’m incredibly imperfect. And I don’t really try to hide that. It’s actually why I do this show and our work. Because our work is for imperfect leaders, people across all fields and ages, who know they still have a long way to go, but are honest enough with themselves to embrace the messy realities they face in their lives in their work and what have you. 


So in a way, I consider our most loyal supporters to belong to kind of an island of misfit toys. And I mean that in the best way. So to take a step forward in personal growth myself, I’m now asking you for help, it would mean a great deal to me, if you would just take a moment to leave an honest review of our show in the Apple podcast app. As a matter of fact, we’re doing a contest where we’re going to be giving away five free courses, or 30 minute coaching calls with me personally to literally discuss anything that you want to those that do. Here’s the key though, the drawing is going to be random. So please leave your actual name and the review, or at least your social media handle, so that by the time the drawing is done, we can find you when you’re selected to give your course or to see if you want to do the phone call one to one with me. 


The deadline for this is April 10 2021. Again, April 10 2021. And what’s the why behind this? It’s simple. Like we’re a grassroots podcast, it’s self funded. And I’ve chosen to go away from the celebrity interview model that so many other podcasts go to, so that we can give everyday leaders like you a voice. But the truth is by not selling out by not going for the quote unquote, big names and the things that if somebody shares it, they’re gonna have millions of followers or what have you. We don’t get promoted within iTunes or by big corporate sponsors, you’re never going to hear me have a sponsor like me undies, or something like that, I want to be able to talk about things I actually use. So for people to find us, it has to come from word of mouth, and reviews like yours in the Apple podcast app, much like your favorite local restaurant relies on word of mouth. 


It’s simple. And I promise you it is very much appreciated. This is not about a pat on the back. It is so that we can be found by other people. Just search the art of coaching. In the podcast app, you’ll recognize our logo, and leave the review you believe we have earned. And thank you. Also, here’s the behind the scenes secret of the show. I don’t script them. One thing we value at art of coaching above anything else is being raw, real and straightforward. Now that’s certainly not to say I don’t take notes, especially if a certain episode is going to go deeper into research or specific details of a topic. But it is me saying we value the show having a tone of conversations over coffee, road trip discussions with friends, or what you’d hear if you were to eavesdrop on to friends having lunch. 


That’s a very different tone than some of these different kinds of podcasts mediums. Because the fact is that leadership like life has no script and to a point We also believe that greatness can’t always be planned. I’ve long said, and maybe this is contentious as well. But society has a bit of an obsession. When it comes to the process of setting objectives. Everything has to be measured and achieved, or we must be failures in life. But consider for a moment how many tremendous surprises you’ve had in your life, things that literally floored you made you laugh, cry, or start believing in what you’re doing again, were all those moments planned?


Did you know exactly when your child was going to take their first steps when your fiance was going to propose, or when you get the acceptance letter for an internship, or a much needed phone call from a friend? Likely not. And that same sense of surprise is what led to today’s show. Today’s show was originally meant to be about the fallacy of managing your emotions, why that can sometimes be bad advice. And we’ll still do that in the future. So hang tight, but then something happened in my life that made me decide to create a bonus newsletter to our email subscribers this week. Now, I don’t want to spoil the surprise, because it’s best saved for the show. But with your permission, I’d like to do something a little bit different. 


Today, I’m going to share on air one of the most vulnerable things I’ve ever written. That’s right, this show is going to be more of a narrative format, where I’m literally going to read the thing that we sent our subscribers. And I want you to know that out of respect, I usually try not to repeat content or anything like that, because every medium has its own strengths. And we want to make sure that we keep things separate, because we also want to expand that conversation. But I had to share this guys, because I woke up this past Monday to over 100 text messages, which is something that has never ever, ever happened before with some of our readers saying it hit them at just the right time. Now maybe you’ll hate it. I don’t know. But maybe just maybe this is what you needed today, as opposed to more how to information being thrown at you or to listen to another audio book that you’re blasting through so give it a chance. 


And knowing this, if you want more content, like I’m about to share here, check out our newsletter. Remember, I’m somebody that I hate email myself, so we never spam you. We try to be very conscious of what we’re doing. If we have a new course or product coming out, do we let you know? Sure. But usually these are just kind of raw reflections. Things that I think maybe they’re on my mind. And maybe you believe them to be relatable or helpful. And we try to do right by you. So if you want to sign up for the newsletter, and I’d really encourage it because it gives you all the updates of when our live events Are there discounts it look inside my personal life, go to again, that’s


All right, here we go. So a few days, I was catching up with a friend of mine who was hosting a birthday party for his three year old son. And something he said really struck me. He said, I’m no softy. But it hit me today that I’m only going to experience my son’s birthday 10 more times until he’s a teenager. And the way he’s usually stern and steady voice cracked when he said this made the finite nature of time really hit me. And that saying something given I already learned about how finite time can be when I was hospitalized for a year in my life as a teenager. Now for those of you not familiar of how close to death I was back then and I detail it in my book conscious coaching, you can find a before and after photo on my Instagram. 


I mean, I was 90 pounds at my lowest, 90 pounds guys as a teenager, and the ever ticking clock became more prominent to me when I became a father. I have a 14 month old in case you guys don’t know. And it really makes you think, how many times do I have left to be able to phone my mom and my dad for that matter? Whenever I want to hear their voice? How many times do I have left to stare at a blank page of my new book that I’m working on before somebody else writes it? How many times can I put out content that encourages coaches and leaders to focus more on how they communicate and take control over their careers before they learned the hard lessons themselves? And how many more times will I get to watch my 14 month olds eyes light up every time he sees Mickey Mouse? 


The fact is that there’s only so much of everything. And that’s why it’s critical to be intentional and to a point, even unapologetic about who you are and how you’re spending your life every day. So in the spirit of this assertion, I thought I’d write up and now in this case share with you a few key things I’ve reflected upon and perhaps even relearned over the past year. Some of this I’ve spoken about before yet it still resonates now more than ever. So here we go. Number one, the stories you tell yourself will absolutely steer your life Every story needs a relatable character, an inciting incident, obstacles to overcome, and specific details about the emotions, landscape and the context of the world those characters live in. 


And in short, we need to know who those characters are, what they want, why they want it, how they go about getting it, what frightens them. And finally, the consequences of what happens if they don’t get it. Why is this pertinent because we often fail to understand that the same things that make a great book, or movie make up the journey of our life. If we learn to zoom out a bit, every time we feel overwhelmed, and see ourselves and our problems as an element of a story, it would go a long way to helping us get out of our own heads and back on a constructive path. And we often think of ourselves as the hero, when really, we’re the antagonists of our own world with what we say to ourselves and the lies we tell ourselves. 


Number two, it’s your responsibility to make it stick. Now, I love coaching and educating I could do it all day long. But as the leader of a company that is hell bent on helping people solve problems, both big and small, there are times when I wish some people would take more accountability of their own progress. Prior to COVID, shutting the entire world down, I attended an event as an audience member myself, I wasn’t speaking. And after hearing a phenomenal talk on behavior change, I watched as a person next to me riddled the presenter by asking the following in a rapid fire format. But how can I apply this in my setting? But what if somebody doesn’t want to listen to my suggestion? Well, which of these should I do first? 


Yeah, that’s nice in theory, but in my world, and it quickly became clear that this person wasn’t asking for help, or even seeking clarity. They were asking to be saved and spoon fed. Now, let me be clear, if you’re delivering a presentation, or education of any kind, you should absolutely do your best to make your lessons practical for the audience. But for people to think that anybody can possibly address every single concern somebody has, in the course of 60 minutes is absolutely absurd. The world becomes a better place when you become more discerning. True education is a partnership and problem solving. 


It’s the presenters job to cultivate helpful information and give it to you in a compelling manner. But it’s your job to apply the creativity and the critical thinking necessary to make it stick. And I just witnessed this again this morning. And this part wasn’t in the newsletter, we had somebody reach out and say, hey, where can I find more information about your mentoring? We send them to Well, this seems confusing. Well, guys, there’s only two options. There’s one to one, and there’s group mentoring. And so we given those options, why can’t afford this? Okay, so we gave him a link to what we call our channels, or art of coaching all access group, it’s 30 bucks a month, you can interact with coaches all over. 


Well, this is too expensive. And we just had to talk as a staff or like if 30 bucks a month for something that we interact in, for a significant time, two to three times a week is too expensive, like this probably just isn’t for that person. We’ve also had some folks that say, Well, I don’t know which course to start with. Well, the way you say it on our webpage, you can start with any course there are many different courses. There’s one on, entrepreneurship, Blindspot, one on managing your career that’s Valued one on building buy in that’s Bought In. It just depends what you want. And when we ask people, well, what would you like? It’s like, Well, I figured you tell me where to start. And you just kind of want to say I’m sorry, sir. Or madam,


I don’t know you. If you could tell me a little bit more. That’s what I mean, it’s your responsibility to make it stick, it’s your responsibility to do some digging, it has to be a partnership. Number three, and this one got some of the most retweets I’ve ever seen in any newsletter, even though we didn’t share any of it on social media. Winners suffer longer. And this one is simple. If you’re determined to do things the right way, you better understand that by default, you have chosen to take a longer and harder road to success. It ties in with me saying we chose not to do a celebrity driven podcast, we knew that if we reached out to celebrities and the off chance that they share it with their followers or that more people would want to hear what this person said. And this person said, because people love to hear their favorite authors and movie stars and what have you, we knew that we could push our rankings up and do all these things. 


But I also know what it feels like to have something to say or want to be a part of the conversation and to be overlooked. I also know what it feels like to feel unheard. And that’s why we chose to do it this way. Now, it’s easy to lose faith when you see phonies or charismatic cut UPS get credit for things. We all know those kinds of charlatans. But you also need to remember it’s generally the stuff that is bombastic that makes the most noise. Don’t believe me? Just watch the news and tell me again that I’m full of it. charlatans get the moment, leaders get the legacy. And I’ll still deal with this every day. 


Think of the hilarity of this. I make a list Being trying to sell people something they think they typically are already good enough at, despite the fact that many of them have no formal training or education on the topic of communication and buy in, aside from reading books or emulating other leaders, what’s the thing I’m selling, I just hinted at it. The most valuable resource in the world sands water and error communication, it is literally a human need. something our brains will rot without, you can see the effects of people not being able to connect and communicate more personally, during the pandemic. Yet I sometimes marvel that I have to get people meaning coaches and leaders, I use the two synonymously, who wants to help other people overcome obstacles, part with resources, time or money, so that they can become more effective at doing this. 


Typically, when people say I don’t have the time or the money, they’re saying it’s not a priority. Yet, then they’ll get on people, they lead for not making changes in their lives that are going to cost them time or money. You see the irony there. And in the meantime, people make millions of dollars off of things like the shake Wait, leashes for their cats, and yeah, even metal detecting sandals and those actually exists, you can look them up, such as life, it still pays to stay true to your message and focus on over delivering for those who truly believe you have in what you have to offer. That’s one of the biggest pieces that has helped me manage my stress is quit trying to get people that are not going to believe that these things are critical quit trying to save people who say, I really want advice on building an ethics driven brand and something that’s values driven. 


I don’t want to be a sellout. And then when I provide them with a course they say, Well, I don’t have the time. And I’m like, Well, how are you going to build a brand? Or hey, I want help opening my business. Okay, let’s set up a series of calls and mentoring. Why do I have money to pay for mentoring? Well, how are you going to start a business? Right, I instead we focus on the folks that really understand skin in the game. And that’s not to say that we don’t try every way imaginable to help the other folks, it is to say that I’ve learned how to draw a distinction between those who want to be guided and those who want to be saved. I can’t save anybody, we can guide you. Number four, the answer is always no if you don’t ask. 


One of the most effective things you can do to get what you want is just to ask for it. And I don’t know if people do this, myself included, right, me asking for reviews, and you did tell friends and get on the Apple podcast app and, and leave ratings. And at one point in my coaching career, I just moved and I had to get a Square Reader. I had never had to be the guy that took payments direct from my athletes before it was very uncomfortable. And a lot of our finances were getting chewed up by processing apps and what have you. So I emailed our credit card processor and asked if they could lower my processing fees. Yeah, it took me 12 seconds to write. And I didn’t expect to even get a reply. But they lowered my fees. And that year it saved our family owned business $12,000. Worth it. 


The worst they could have said is no. And since me not asking is the same as them saying no. All you have is upside and asking, that said don’t be a jackass. We’ve had people and many business owners can sympathize with this, reach out to us and attempt to guilt us into giving them free access to over $10,000 worth of free courses or what have you. And their play was, well, if you were in this for the right reasons, you do it. That’s called the weaponization of guilt folks, don’t fall for it. I literally did an episode on that as well check that one out. And there’s nothing more unprofessional somebody could attempt to do than to try to guilt you into that. 


You can’t go to a restaurant and order food and say why don’t want to pay for it. Because if you were in it for the right reasons, and you loved cooking and you wanted to serve people, this meal would be free. That’s not how life works. Number five, clear goals are not the only way to get what you want. Can we all agree that it’s time to do away with the whole, Where do you want to be in five years shtick? Now imagine somebody asking that to somebody 18 months ago prior to the pandemic. And listen, I’m not gonna go into a long winded debate about this. If you read between the lines here even truly make troll face and Twitter thumb thugs around the world know what I’m trying to say. Greatness often resides in the gray area. 


I’m going to say that part again. Greatness often resides in the gray area, and not every breakthrough can be planned. I’d argue most aren’t. Should you have your values clear to you? Yep. have self awareness and a general understanding of your strengths and weaknesses of course, have a clear understanding of your ideal audience. Absolutely. But let’s not get caught up in playing God here or there predictability, game. Control, respect, and instant credibility are things we all inherently kubot, but they’re not afforded in life. So instead of thinking of a five year plan, try focusing on a three month a six month and one year goals. It always pays to leave yourself room to pivot Number six, you can’t do it alone. 


Listen, this likely won’t surprise you. But I’m largely driven by adversity. And if you haven’t done our drives quiz, I urge you to go to, trust me, you and your staff, you and your significant other will get a lot out of it. This is not some kind of personality assessment like the MBTI or, or the DISC assessment tool. It’ll surprise you so go to But to highlight this right me being driven by adversity, my favorite superhero of all time, especially when I was a kid, my mom would tell you I dress up like him, at least five Halloweens in a row was Wolverine for crying out loud. And aside from his healing factor and adamantium claws, the guy’s superpower basically consisted of getting super pissed off, because his Berzerker rage helped him concentrate his attack and overcome his opponents. 


Yeah, I just had a nerd blackout moment there. And don’t worry, I appreciate the storytelling behind super hero movies. But I am not a grown man in my mom’s basement, still reading comic books. But of course, I remember Saturday morning cartoons, and college football, and I was always a Wolverine. And no matter how determined or focused or disciplined to you are regarding why you can’t do it alone, you’re going to need support. And because otherwise, you start spraying that energy and that everything in so many different directions, and you’re bound for burnout. And the cliche is true, you can go faster alone, but you go further together. 


You can’t play an actual game of tennis alone, nor can you safely perform a blood transfusion on yourself. Isn’t it sad sometimes that I have to put safely Believe it or not, we sometimes do get emails or responses from people that are like, well, technically you can. And it just it’s mind boggling. But the same is true for quite a few things in life. Yet daily people stubbornly, myself included, go on believing they can just grind their way through anything, and everything alone without receiving any sort of candid feedback, or a blueprint.


Get people around you who will candidly But respectfully call you out on your bull crap. And also learn to know when you’re lying to yourself. It’s fascinating when we do non buyer surveys. And by the way, thank you for all of you that take the time to fill those things out, honestly. And if somebody says, Hey, I can’t take your course at the time, or I can’t do this, we then ask, well, what are you going to do? Alternatively, how are you going to solve this problem? Alternatively, and some will say, I’m just gonna keep my head down and keep trying. And I urge you guys to always know what your time is worth. Because we do try to make things affordable. And again, any business owner understands this. But you have to think about what your time is worth. 


If you’re hurting, and you’re getting stuck, and you’re burnout, you have to think you know, that sometimes can last for months and years. And what’s that time going to cost you whether it’s in relationships and progress in your career? And then compare that to the 397 or 497 price tag, and say, Alright, well, what’s the value of one new idea? What’s the value of one thing that might be in this course, that can get me over this hump and make me feel a little less depressed, a little less hopeless, a little less frustrated, a little less, anxious to the point where I’m coming home, and it’s affecting my attitude with my spouse or those that I love? Right? Like, what’s the price tag of those things, I’d urge you to reconsider that. 


And it may also mean that you need to reevaluate who’s in your circle. I talked to a great coach this weekend about that. He wants to be a little bit more entrepreneurial, he works in collegiate strength and conditioning, any any values that time there. But he also wants to provide a little bit more cushion in the future. And he just likes the problem solving a nature of entrepreneurship, he wants to do a little bit more, we’ve talked about this plenty, no different than a musician sometimes wants to own a record label. A baker wants to own their own bakery, what have you, this is natural. And what he found is no matter who he turned to a lot of his circle was just still strength coaches, who were very against that lifestyle. 


And he said, I’ve got to dump this, I’ve got to get around other people that are supportive of me wanting to be an entrepreneur, and they don’t think that me wanting to make some more money for my family means that I’ve sold out. This is just a natural evolution. And, it’s true, I mean, no matter where he turned, people just would guilt him. And I have that as well. But if you have to ditch that, it may also need to mean that you invest in finding a coach of your own. This type of commitment, or dumping some friends never gets more comfortable or convenient, by the way at all. You know that feeling be it’s high school friends, you lost touch with college friends you lost touch with and what have you, but slowly, you gravitate to new circles that are more in line with your values. 


And you’re gonna have to do that, case in point prior to COVID. I invested $18,000 for a coach of my own for the very first time. That amount of money guys is more than I made until the age of 25 years old. And frankly, it was absolutely terrifying. But I convinced myself I’d make it back, then COVID hit, and we lost more money. Thankfully, I stayed with my coach, even though they would have been the easiest thing to cut. And I found a way to make it work financially, which was one of the smartest things I could have done. Why? Because there’s always going to be financial strains that occur in life. 


None of us are ever going to have a time where we’re like, Yep, I got an abundance of money and abundance of time, we’re good. What there won’t always be is a crisis that affords us an opportunity to recreate ourselves or take a different approach and experiment, which may become more robust in the long run. Again, greatness cannot be planned, never let a good crisis go to waste. And try not to go to the lowest hanging fruit of risk aversion, because what you see, and we did an episode on this as well, what happens when the pandemic hit literally because of something called the zero cost fallacy, people hoarded toilet paper, not because there was a shortage on toilet paper, there wasn’t. 


But because that was the lowest common denominator of something that they could control. And you see the same thing in human beings, when it comes to time and money, a crisis hits, they tend to think what’s the most expensive thing, I gotta cut it out, sometimes that’s smart. But if that thing also provides you with the most value, especially during a time you need it, and I think a lot of us could benefit from somebody to talk to or a coach, during COVID, when our emotions run hot, and we make dumb decisions, you better reconsider that. Right? Besides what real coach or leader doesn’t invest in a coach or leader have their own mean, literally, if you’re a coach, and you’re trying to guide people, and you don’t have a coach of your own. And then you get mad when somebody that you’re trying to coach says, Well, you know, I don’t really have the time or money. And you think, Well, what do you mean? 


How are you going to reach your goals? Just look at yourself, are you doing that? Because I know it sucks to hear. But ask yourself, if you really don’t agree with it, you shouldn’t be upset when people tell you now’s not the right time, when you approach them with a true desire to help, commitment is not convenient. Cut the nonsense and get people around you when you need them. The people in my life and too many to name but Liz, Ali, Jordan, my parents, you guys, my listeners and people that have been with me through thick and thin, everybody who’s trusted me enough to join our courses, our coalition, our all access community, you guys are critical. 


As you and everybody else, like you you support what we do and help us take more risks in the future. And in truth, I have a lot more that I can share here, right. But there was something else I relearned over the past year is that you always got to keep people wanting more. Now here’s the key of when I was writing this newsletter, what do I mean by this simple, true connection can’t always be garnered through one medium, one episode or one moment alone. And with me working on the new book, and me creating a different course, I have been writing enough lately for three lifetimes, which is why I enjoy hosting this podcast because it gives me a different way to connect. 


And we all have to make the most of each moment. Now the minute I wrote that in the newsletter, my little guy, my son Bronson had just walked into my office and mumbled something incoherent with his Binky in his mouth and smiled at me. So I signed off the newsletter. And I said, which means it’s time to say goodbye for now. Because there’s only so many times he will want to sit on dad’s lap before he walks out of our home to start his own life. Guys, that’s it. I’ll just never forget when, there’s certain times where I just want to give more and more and more. But nobody taught me more about boundaries. And that little guy comes in here smiles at you, reaches his arms out, just wants to sit on the lap, and I shared a photo of that moment in my newsletter.


I don’t have any magnificent ending to this. I just wanted to give you a little bit of a glimpse into my life and some of the stuff that we try to share. I’m pretty open. But there’s some things that are pretty hard for me even and I hope you enjoyed this episode. I know it was a different take. But I hope all these points made a lot of sense. I’ll recap them for you. Okay. The stories you tell yourself will absolutely steer your life. It’s your responsibility to make it stick. Winners suffer longer? The answer is always no. If you don’t ask. Clear goals are not the only way to get what you want.


You can’t do it alone. Now if you want these written down, you want to see him you want to take notes on anything. Make sure to go to You’ll be able to find it. You can also just go to and it’ll redirect you to the reflections page. You can also go to the show notes. They’re always there. Thanks to Ali Kirshner, please put this information to us. I share these things with you because I want to make a difference and like many of you, I lay my head down at night and wonder if I’m doing enough, but there’s also only so much we can do and should do because there’s other moments that matter. Until next time, guys is Brett Bartholomew Art of Coaching podcast, please leave a review again April 10 2021 is the deadline? I can’t wait to connect with you in the future.

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