E151 | How To Ask For Help

Let’s not bury the lede – I struggle asking for help.

I’ve often wondered if it’s possible to do in a way that doesn’t compromise relationships or  reputation because (to the untrained eye) asking for help can seem to convey weakness, lack of fortitude, intelligence, and even organization.

But none of us get through life without help in some form… So why do we have such an aversion to it?

Today (in part IV of this series!) I’m diving into the 6 reasons why we struggle to ask for help, how to ask for it more effectively and why it’s so hard to give good help!

Speaking of help, we’d like to offer some. We’re hosting an FREE online workshop for individuals who want to get unstuck, figure out their competitive advantage and get off the  fence so they can make an impact. Click the link below to save your spot! 

https://artofcoaching.com/clarity/

As always, you can find out more about this topic and other resources we offer at: 

https://artofcoaching.com/resources/

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Brett Bartholomew  0:02  

What we want to investigate today is a simple truth. The fact that it is not sexy to ask for help, it is hard, no matter who you are or what you want and what you’re struggling with. But the truth is that none of us get through life without it in some way, shape or form. So why is it that we hold it in such contempt? Aside from being worried about what others think, you know, we, of course, crave validation and this, and it’s nice to try to be able to claim that we’re a self made man or woman, you know, but that’s the purest form of ego candy that really allows us to satisfy some kind of self indulgent Sweet Tooth for this sense of security and control over our own lives, or our perceived success or lack thereof.

 

Welcome to the Art of 12coaching podcast, a show aimed at getting to the core of what it takes to change attitudes, behaviors and outcomes in the weight room, boardroom classroom, and everywhere in between. I’m your host, Brett Bartholomew, I’m a performance coach, keynote speaker, and the author of the book conscious coaching. But most importantly, I’m a lifelong student interested in all aspects of human behavior and communication. I want to thank you for joining me. And now let’s dive into today’s episode.

 

Hey, it’s Brett here. And I’m curious about something if you’ll entertain me for a moment, how many of these statements if any, at all resonate with you? I know I have knowledge to share and a genuine desire to help others. But I still feel like an imposter Who’s going to care what I have to say. All right, on to the next one. I’m looking for the career I love doing the thing that I’m great at. But also the thing that allows me to help more people and have a more sustainable future. I’m definitely grateful for the job that I have. But it just feels like I could be doing more. And the next. I know I love helping people. But I feel unclear as to what is the best path for me moving forward and how to get started. Alright, two more. So stay with me. paralysis by analysis is a real issue for me. I have a constant drive to improve myself so that I can be of more use to others. But I still cannot shake the feeling that I don’t quite measure up or that my work will not be taken seriously. And the final one, I often question if I’m truly making the most of what I’ve been given. And if I’m doing the right things to be successful. I just want to know if I’m on the right track. 

 

Now if any of them sound like you or somebody you know, there’s something you need to know, we are hosting a free workshop soon that can get you past the sticking points, answer some of these questions and help you navigate the things that you’re on the fence about. So whether you’re a salty veteran in your chosen field, whatever that field may be, who’s seen just about everything come and go and you’re tired and you want to get more involved. Or an aspiring leader who doesn’t want to be ignored or overlooked in a crowded market. Head over to artofcoaching.com/clarity. Again, that’s artofcoaching.com/clarity, final time, artofcoaching.com/clarity. I think you will like what we have to say. 

 

All right, with that out of the way. Let’s get into the episode quick one here. There’s a story about one of my favorite historical figures, somebody who’s on my shortlist as in top five that is with respect to my answer. Anytime somebody asked me if you could have a lunch with one person dead or alive, who would it be? And that person and again, it’s one of those people is Ben Franklin. And with a little bit of help from the legendary Maria Popova author, David Mcrainey. And even the work of Walter Isaacson, who wrote a tremendous biography on Franklin that I read last year, we’re going to talk about some of these things. And we’re going to talk about how this leads into why we struggle to ask for help, but yet why some of the best leaders became really adept and adroit at it. And more importantly, what you can take from this to become better at asking for help and the right kind of help in the right way without it negatively impacting your relationships or your reputation for that matter. So what some may not know is that Franklin was born in one of 17 children, one of 17 to poor parents, and as Popova put it, he entered this world despite his parents and society’s priorities in his failure relative to his siblings. He had very low odds of becoming an educated scientist, that gentleman, a scholar and entrepreneur, and most of all, in her words, a man of significant political power. Now to compensate for his unfavorable Givens. He quickly learned a A lot of really formidable people skills and became a master of the game of personal politics, something that we talk about a lot at art of coaching, because our goal is to help people deal with the messy realities of leadership and communication and coaching. So, with that, you know, make sure that you have gone back or you do go back later. And listen to the episodes where we talk about power dynamics and the leadership lie that’ll help. 

 

But Author David Mcrainey writes, and these are all his words. Like many people full of drive and intelligence born into a low station, Franklin developed strong people skills and social power. All else denied the analytical mind will pick apart behavior, and Franklin became adroit at human relations. From an early age. He was a talker and a schemer and a man capable of Guile, cunning and persuasive charm. He stockpiled a cachet of secret weapons, one of which was the eponymously named Franklin effect, a tool as useful today, as it was in the 1730s. And still just as counterintuitive. Now Mcrainey goes on to write at age 21, he formed a club of mutual improvement called the junto. And for those of you that are interested in this, I definitely recommend you check out Isaacson’s book. But the junto was a grand scheme by Franklin to really gobble up all kinds of knowledge. He invited a working class polymath like him to have the chance to pull together their books and trade thoughts and knowledge of the world on a regular basis and how they worked. They wrote and recited essays, they held debates the devise ways to acquire currency and Franklin really use the junto as his own private consulting firm, a think tank, so to speak, and he bounced ideas off the members so he could write and print better pamphlets and do a wide variety of things better. Well, he eventually found founded rather, the first subscription library in America think about that. Right. He founded the first subscription library in America writing that it would make the common tradesmen and farmers as intelligent as most gentleman from other countries. I mean, he was an underdog through and through. And by the way, it not to mention and Mcrainey talks about this, it also gave him access to whatever books he wanted to buy. Now, Maria Popova goes on to talk about when Franklin ran for his second term as a clerk, there was a peer whose name that he never mentioned in his autobiography. And I don’t believe although don’t quote me on this, I can’t remember when I read Isaacson’s book if they did find out the name at this point. But this individual delivered a long election speech that really went after Franklin really went after him. And the goal was to tarnish his reputation. Then although Franklin one he was really furious and angry with his opponent, and observing that it was really a gentleman of fortune and education, who might one day come to hold the great power and government. You know, he was pretty concerned about this was a worthy adversary for somebody that was like Franklin that didn’t have those benefits and that kind of power at the time. 

 

So Franklin and I love the way they framed this. They said the troll he knew the troll had to be tamed and also tamed shrewdly. So Mcrainey went on to write and please pay attention here because it speaks to a larger point we’re gonna dive into Franklin set out to turn his hater into a fan, but he wanted to do it without really paying any servile respect to him. Now those were Franklin’s words. Franklin’s reputation as a book collector, and a library founder gave him a standing as a man of really discerning literary tastes. So Franklin sent a letter to the hater, asking if he could borrow a very specific selection or book rather, from his library. And again, his is Franklin’s opponent, in this case, the one that really censured him and went after him. And with this, it was a very scarce and curious book. So the rival flattered sent it over to Franklin right away. And Franklin sent it back a week later, with a thank you note. Mission accomplished as Mcrainey put, the next time the legislature met, the man who had previously been Franklin’s opponent approached him and spoke to him in person for the first time. Franklin said the man even after manifested a readiness to serve him on all occasions, so they became great friends, and that friendship continued to his death. 

 

Now, you know, Popova goes on to ask a great question. She says, you know, the pause should be in what universe does inducing an opponent to do you a favor, magically turn them into a supporter? And this in turns out shares a psychological basis with the why the art of asking is the art of cultivating community and I have my own story, as I’m sure many of you do. I’ll never forget and I can’t remember if it was two years ago or what have you, but you know, I don’t really read Amazon reviews, of course, you know, you take a peek here and there. And I’m grateful for everybody that does it. If you don’t know how important those things are to authors, especially self published authors. they play a big role in the algorithm, right? Like if your book doesn’t get reviews and honest reviews at that, Amazon just assumes nobody’s really reading it and your books can get buried by that algorithm. So, you know, jumping ahead here, but one area I don’t hesitate to ask for help now is when people say they enjoyed the book, I say, Hey, would you take a few moments and put an Amazon review on there? Because think about it. Generally, the only people that review unless they’re asked are people that are really angry, right? Like, think about the last time you really reviewed something? How often do you go and take your time to do that, and maybe you’re somebody that does with some frequency, but the average person usually only goes through those steps if they’re really angry. So you know, in one situation, I’d seen that my name popped up and somebody had said, you know, this book, it’s not worth the hype, this guy’s a cult leader. Yeah, I mean, he also went after some comments that were really inflammatory towards my family. And I remember I happened to it was one of the few people that actually left their name. And I knew somebody that knew this individual. So I know that sounds crazy, but I called them up. I called them up, because that week, I just had enough of this kind of stuff. And I said, Listen, you know, you’re entitled to your own opinion. And I’m certainly, you know, I couldn’t delete reviews, if I wanted to Amazon doesn’t allow you to, I go, but I want you to know that my family saw this. And it was actually a family member of mine that told me about it, because they were telling their buddy about a book. And you can have whatever opinion you want of my book, but to go after me and call me a cult leader, and make comments about my family. And in other words, when we don’t even know each other. I gotta ask what prompted this. And believe it or not, we went on to have an incredible discussion, an incredible discussion, where he was just brutally honest, said that, at one point in time, they wanted to write a book, they struggled with the idea of what was going on in their industry, but they didn’t really put themselves out there. And they had this cognitive dissonance with, I want to do good, but I don’t put myself out there. So I get angry when I see other people doing good, who have put themselves out there. And it made sense, it made sense. And this person and I now have become great friends, when we have a lot of deeper conversations about one another’s field or where we’re at with things. And it’s an example of that Ben Franklin effect. 

 

But you know, we’re not going to dive into the psychological nuances of it today. That’s not where we’re tackling. I just think that that is a great story to talk about, you know, somebody’s asking for help. And especially in a situation that is not common. But what we want to investigate today is a simple truth, the fact that it is not sexy to ask for help, it is hard, no matter who you are, or what you want, and what you’re struggling with. And oftentimes, To the untrained eye, we think that asking for help conveys weakness, or a lack of fortitude, on our part, a lack of intelligence, a lack of organization, maybe even all the above. But the truth is that none of us get through life, without it in some way, shape, or form. So why is it that we hold it in such contempt? You know, aside from being worried about what others think, you know, we, of course, crave validation and status. And it’s nice to try to be able to claim that we’re a self made man or woman, you know, but that’s the purest form of ego candy that really allows us to satisfy some kind of self indulgent Sweet Tooth for this sense of security and control over our own lives, or our perceived success or lack thereof, you know, and we chase these things, but it’s time to get past it. You know, above my, right behind me in the desk, and I’m recording this, I have a really simple picture. And it has the African proverb, it states, smooth seas don’t make for skillful sailors. And with that same axiom in mind, it can be pretty tough, we know to navigate a ship through a storm, all alone. So I want to talk about this. And really what I’ve done is come up with some categories of common reasons why both myself and others that I know because I talked to a large number of leaders from different fields struggle, asking for help. And the irony is when I was thinking of a topic to do for this week’s episode, I asked a good friend, my friend, John for help, and said, Hey, what do you think about this? And he brought it up? And I said, Yeah, this is timely. So here are some of these categories. Make sure you get your pen and paper by the way. 

 

One is embarrassment. It can be embarrassing to ask for help. I mean, simply put, we like to feel like, Hey, I got myself into this mess. I need to be able to get myself out of it. Or maybe you don’t feel like it was a shared experience. Maybe you were in class with somebody or you were in the same conference room, or you were on the same webinar or what have you. And you didn’t understand the concept and somebody else did, or it seems like everybody else did, which again, is a cognitive bias. And we feel embarrassed if we have to ask I mean, every kid that’s ever gone to school knows what this is like the teacher says any questions and you’re like, I don’t want to be that person. Right? So embarrassment is straightforward. Word. Another one that I think is not talked about often. And we were talking about this in our coalition group is frustration, specifically frustration with others or past experiences. So let’s say you own a business or you’re leading a team, or it could be even within your own family. There are times and I know I can relate to this where you don’t ask for help, because you feel like if you want something done, right, you’ve got to do it yourself. And you’ve got you came to that assertion, because you’ve asked people for help in the past, and they didn’t do something with attention to detail, or they skipped over some other aspect of it, or it wasn’t done on time. And that gets really frustrating. So you almost kind of feel like, well, I can’t ask for help now, You know, because I just don’t trust essentially, and we’ll talk about why that’s not awesome in its own right. But let me get through the categories so that nobody gets scatterbrained here. 

 

Another one is guilt. And this is probably number one. For me, I don’t ever want to feel like I’m a burden on somebody, I am so awful at asking for help. And that’s whether it’s Hey, remember to write a review for the book or send a review to the podcast or, you know, hey, word of mouth, I’ve gotten better at it over the years as I’ve grown. But there were friends that when we launch courses, or other things that would have been more than happy to put that stuff on their newsletter, or would have been more than happy to come to one of our conferences or speak for our coalition group or what have you. And I just didn’t ask because I felt like you know, they got their own things. I mean, life is really hectic for all of us. Our little one had a severe ear infection this week. And so there were two complete days where we got no work done. And on the day it happened, his temperature was near 105, we were driving from urgent care to urgent care. And believe it or not, nobody would see him because they either wouldn’t treat a kid under two, or they were at max capacity due to COVID. Ironic, you don’t hear about that on the news, right? Like you hear about all this other useless stuff. But nobody says hey, by the way, if your child has a hemorrhage, or there’s a fever, or whatever, keep in mind, you might want to have a backup plan. He can’t take him to these places. But I assume that everybody else has these kinds of things going on day to day. So I don’t want to ask him for help. I don’t want to be a burden. And I also assume that, you know, I know how easily people can get taken advantage of, especially if they have some kind of platform or a business of their own. There’s always people frankly, that ask me for handouts and you don’t want to be lumped in with them. So I never want to be a burden. So so far, we’ve talked about embarrassment, you don’t want to admit that you’re struggling with something or that you don’t understand something frustration, you don’t want to ask for help. Because people have proven to not be all that helpful in the past. Guilt, you don’t want to be a burden, and then even perceived power dynamics, meaning I’ll use our mastermind group, for example, there might be people that when I ask them for help, they think well, you know, I don’t know that I can help you because I come to you for help. And I come to you for help, because you’ve got experience in other areas. But nothing could be further than the truth. I never looked at myself as somebody that knows at all quite the opposite. And I’m just a guide on the side. I crave collaboration, I crave that. So, you know, I’m always asking if you follow me on Instagram, I asked your thoughts on stuff. if you’re in our mastermind, I ask I always try to ask because I want help I could care less is if it’s from a 13 year old that knows coding. I want diverse voices in our ecosystem. So but there are some people that feel like well, I couldn’t possibly help that individual. Because you know, there and it could even be an age thing. You know, there’s plenty of people that could help up in age down in age, you know, whether it’s with technology, or marketing, or this or that or what have you. But we just for whatever reason, think that we’re not going to be that helpful, we underestimate our own influence and ability to help others. 

 

Now there’s two more and of course, it’s not an exhaustive list, but it helps Elise you be able to use kind of this metaphorical compass to figure out where your main struggle is. There’s perfectionism. And if you listen to our episode on imposter phenomenon, you know that we have this PDF that talks about the five different types of frauds that you can feel like, and a lot of people don’t ask for help, because they feel like well, if I’m smart enough, or if I have this job, or if I’m the expert, or whatever it is, I should be able to do it myself. And that’s just false. You know, like, nobody always comes to these, you know, whatever that situation or answer is, by themselves. We all kind of use borrowed thoughts like I’m giving you some content early on through the storytelling of Maria Popova and, other authors and what have you, and that’s fine. Like, what matters is how you shape these things, you know, give credit where credit is due and then shape them. But if you think an expert has to be a lone ranger, it’s just such it’s so wrong. And then rejection of course we hate rejection. It gets kind And if scary in a way, and if you don’t like that term, I’m sorry, use whatever term you want, but we don’t really want to be rejected on things. And so I think when you think about this, there’s some stuff I want to tell to help you. And and hopefully those categories help you. But, you know, we often underestimate why you shouldn’t be worried about asking for help, as we often underestimate how likely others are to help us. You know, we think that people will just only help us if they feel bad, or they’re pressed to do it, or what have you. But you gotta understand this, and shout out to Stephanie Seeley, you know, for really talking about this, you know, when you think about, well, you know, if you judge yourself for wanting help, how can you ever really help others? I mean, think about that, if you’re like, Well, I’m dumb, or I’m whatever, because I want help. You’re somebody that jumps at the opportunity to help others. Anytime. There’s a thing, there’s a disconnect there, right? There are a lot of people that want to help. And there’s also people that probably don’t know you need help. And they also don’t know, finally, what would be considered most helpful to you. And this is, again, that goes back to what we preach it art of coaching, the importance of clarity, and conciseness. And how you communicate, 

 

I’m going to say this, again, people often want to help, and they’re ready, but they don’t know you need help. Also don’t know what would be considered helpful to you. So you know, you need to make your message clean and clear. And if you do that, it enhances the chances of people being able to help you. And I think one other thing I want to say and it’s a little soapbox, is, if you’re general, in your request for help, even if you do ask it, the advice is going to be general and I call this the DM effect. When I get DMS and social media very often. It’s general questions. Hey, Coach, Brett, what path should I take in my career? Hey, Coach, Brett, how can I get this person to buy in? Hey, Coach, how could I build this brand? Or Hey, Coach, how did you write your book? Hey, Coach, how did you and it’s tough guys, because I never want to come off as crass and rude. But on the other hand, the teacher in me doesn’t want to facilitate learned helplessness. Right? And, it’s this fine line between sometimes the people don’t know what they don’t know. And, should you guide them and say, hey, you know, I want to help, but I’m not really clear. Sure. But you can’t do that hundreds of times, you know, a day. And so I just want to give advice, if you are somebody that asked for help, and you’re like, hey, yeah, it’s uncomfortable. But you know, I ask people for help all the time, whether it’s what books to read or questions about my career, or when it’s time for a change, I’m going to tell you that if you’re reaching out to people, and you’re not being specific, you are going to have to be prepared for bad advice, or at least general advice. And that’s because, again, if somebody doesn’t have a specific question, I kind of think this right. And I’ve talked to other coaches that feel this way as well. If somebody asks a broad question, I tend to think well, do they really know what they want? Are they assessing this through a clear lens? Because they’re not being specific? It seems like, you know, imagine that imagine if you say, hey, Brianna, I would like to meet up with you for a cup of coffee and pick your brain. You think that you’re saying I’d like to meet up, I respect you, I’ll buy your coffee. This will be great. But Brianna, may think and she’d be right to like, wait a minute, like, time out. I don’t know you and why the offer of coffee is really nice. What are we going to talk about, right? Like Brianna’s time is valuable. And I’m making this person up. But it’s very different. If somebody says, Hey, I’m in town, I’d like to meet you, you know, wherever you’re at. And I have specific questions on how to get this kind of prototype up and running. This is what I built. This is where my struggles were, do you have 40 minutes to take? Right? Like, that’s a very different thing. 

 

And here’s the other thing, when you make your message clean and clear, when you’re asking for help, you’ve been very clear about the context, what you want help with all these things, it actually builds credibility. I look at somebody that says, Hey, Coach, I’m having this problem, right, and they lay it out specifically, and I’ve referenced previous resources you put out, but where I’m struggling is matching blank with blank. Now the cynic here would be like, well, you just like that, because it shows they bought your resources are engaged with them. No, it has nothing to do with that. It has to do with the fact that just like you can’t go into a doctor and say, Hey, doctor, I have this sniffles, but by the way, that doctor has no idea of your medical history. They don’t know what you’re allergic to, like, what do you expect them to do? They’re just going to ask you more questions. And it’s just a waste of time. If you’re going to ask for help, you need to honor the other person’s time, man. And so, you know, when somebody thinks about these things, I think wow, this is a credible, thoughtful person. I’m more likely not only help them, but also open up my contact book and these kinds of things to say if I can’t help them who can? So I want to make it clear, right? 

 

Yes, it is very, very hard to ask for help, I recognize that I deal with it too. It’s not easy. Now, there’s lots of reasons it occurs. And I talked about those categories. There’s things that we don’t consider, generally people want to help. But you’re probably just not good at being specific enough without help, or at least you know, somebody that isn’t. And it’s worth remembering that the best leaders are not afraid to ask for help. There’s innumerable examples throughout history. But they also think about all the other things that comes. So I want to make that clear, before we move on, that if you do get past those other barriers, and you then ask for help, don’t be general that makes it so difficult. And you’re just going to get general, the heuristic is being general makes it more difficult for somebody else to be generous, being general makes it more difficult for somebody else to be generous, because you’re just expecting them to figure it out. And you can’t do that you can’t go and ask somebody for their time or their advice. And then make them do the fact finding, you need to do the research. And also, I’ll say this, you know, when, if it does help any of you that feel like you’re struggling with this, you know, if you do come generally, and let’s say we are able to meet up or you’re able to meet up with a desired mentor of yours, what you tend to do, if you’re not very specific on what you’re having issues with is you leave that mentor that person feeling like they’re not really sure if they helped, because you talked about so many things, and you pick their brain on like 30 different topics. They don’t really know like, did I solve a specific problem for that person? And that goes into our previous episode, right? niches versus range and what have you, and they can both be good for their own reasons. But if I answer 30 questions, I guess I feel useful, but I’m always thinking, are they gonna apply any of that? And there’s data to suggest they don’t? Most people when they do ask for advice, don’t even take that advice. And if they do, they absorb it, but they don’t act on it. I mean, there are people I’ve watched it go down, where I’ve introduced people to somebody else. And then I say, Hey, how’d that go? And they said, Well, you know, I wanted to give it a week or two. I didn’t want to, like come off as desperate or needy. And I said, Dude, no, no, no, like, memory is short. And that person’s life is crazy. They may not remember you or the context in which you met. If they gave you their contact, and they were willing to meet you take advantage of that in a respectful way. I don’t mean take advantage of them. But you take advantage of that opportunity. Don’t wait. Right? Don’t wait. So another reason it pays to be specific, is you want to make sure that that other person feels like Yeah, yeah that was useful. 

 

So we talked about why you know, when you get over this, how it can help build credibility, you’ve thought about things through both sides, you’ve done your research and all that. And that can really be an issue. So I want to encourage you guys like get past this, because most people are more than happy to help. If nothing else, it goes to that one rule that people love to talk about themselves. And I know I’m guilty of this, when somebody asked me for help, I always try to come up with a story of how I struggled with that, or how I can relate, not to hear myself talk but to help build that relatability of saying, Hey, I hear you, I see you, and I’m not you. But let me walk you through how I dealt with this. And maybe it gives you an answer. It just does get sad sometimes where I think it’s the reverse. I’ve gotten better at asking for help, or I struggle is giving help. Because so many people don’t know what they want help with. It feels like you always let them down. I mean, I’ve gone as far as creating links for specific things, whether it’s intern guides and reading lists, or what have you. And while 90% of people are really like, Oh, this is great. There’s people that are like, Well, you didn’t tell me which one and but what about this, and that’s where we’ve got to bring back this sense of realism. We’ve got to bring this sense of realism, but you certainly should not struggle, because you feel like you, you know are gonna bother somebody or that any number of these things. Remember, you’re wise because you’re imperfect. You’re strong because you have doubts, but your or aur ability to make an impact atrophies if we don’t learn how to ask for help. 

 

So let me consolidate some of these things before we wrap. We’ve gotten over the many reasons people don’t ask. When you do ask, be specific. Make sure you’re reaching out to the right person for that situation fit is important. Tell them what you’re struggling with. And give them any other research that you’ve done around that so they have an understanding of your thought process. Please do not send somebody an eight paragraph email or a multi paragraph DM or something like that. This goes back To our episode on finding a mentor, you have to choose the right medium. I would also encourage against this, I have a close friend I talked to the other day, who got a hate email from somebody, because they said they had sent them 15 DMS, and they never answered. Eventually they found their email and wrote them in and just said, you’ve never answered and yada yada. This person said, I don’t check my DMs regularly. Right? This is like the people that spam on LinkedIn. And then they wonder why you didn’t connect? And it’s like, well, we don’t know each other. You know, so make sure that you choose the appropriate medium, you come with a specific question, you talk about what of their work they’re familiar with. Because again, what that says is, hey, I’m reaching out to you for a reason. And I’m familiar with your work, because I have enough respect for you to look at your previous work. Otherwise, why are you reaching out to them to begin with? Here’s where I’m struggling? Could you help me in this area? You know, I think another time and truth are time tested method is reciprocity. You know, we have a certain amount of events per year that I’m able to do pro bono work for. And the best people on my network, don’t even make me ask for help in return, they anticipate it, they’re intuitive, and they say, Hey, man, you know, thanks for doing that. When this comes out, let us know we’ll share it with our list. You have to meet people in the middle. But there are a lot of people and I encourage you guys also go back and listen to the weaponization of guilt. Be very careful of the people that say, Hey, would you do this? And there’s nothing in return in terms of like even an acknowledgement of that, where they say, Well, no, we just thought you might do it for the right reasons. Because what you do, guys, if you’re somebody that asked for help you get that help, but you don’t Intuit what somebody else might need, or you at least don’t even go down that path with them, is you just ensure you’re not gonna have a repeat relationship there. And that’s the most important thing that matters and in leadership, and I’m not saying that everything has to be reciprocity focused. I mean, in my mind, being a Midwestern, er, that’s where I go. But it just doesn’t mean that you show up for people, you show up for people. And if you don’t know how you figure that out, and you just try, you know, but you’ve got to get better at asking questions. You’ve got to think about what they may need. So you know, come with your homework done, make sure that you’ve taken an interest in that other person’s life, find a medium that’s suitable for that. Be patient with them. And understand that half the things you’re worrying about that other persons not even thinking, if you come with all these things done, and you’ve checked all the boxes, we’ve talked today, you’re going to come across as a credible, professional, who’s curious, thoughtful, intuitive, and is dedicated on improving. 

 

I hope that helps. We wanted to make this quick. I hope you utilize this, please, we do these podcasts every week nearly because we want you to apply this. So apply this today. Think about where you’re struggling, why you’re struggling. Look at the last four or five people you’ve asked for help and how you’ve done that. And don’t beat yourself up for it. Like forgive yourself. It’s okay, like we all learn, but be better about it going forward and share this with somebody else, please. We need better communicators and just more thoughtful, respected people out there in every field. Alright, guys, if you want more on these things, like I said, make sure to go to artofcoaching.com/clarity. I think you’re really going to love this. We’re very excited about I’m not trying to be cryptic. We just have something that is really based on helping people get unstuck, figuring out their competitive advantage and like I said, getting off the fence so you can make an impact. I appreciate you always Brett Bartholomew for the art of coaching, signing off